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February 7, 2012 / themrtinney

The Case of the Licked Shoe… or… Boo Boo in the night

I think Boo Boo is licking my shoes.   We have a BIG goofy Basset named Copper.  The kids named the massive dork Boo Boo the way you might name a linebacker “Tiny.”

I woke up one morning to get ready for work.  All was normal until I slipped my first shoe on and it squished a little.  Not in a super wet way but in the ‘that is more than foot moisture my friend’ way.

Simulated photo. Actual moistness slightly lower... oh - and I actually have only two feet.

I put some thought into it throughout that slightly moistened sock day, wondering…. mouse pee in my shoe?  Water gnomes?


Perhaps a practical joke by my spouse?  The old “drip some water in the shoe joke?”  Nothing seemed to fit quite right.  It wasn’t until I got home that evening that I found a few brown hairs while removing my shoes.  Boo Boo!

The Licker!

I immediately did the stupid owner thing and approached him with the shoe.  I found him acting like he was minding his own business, chewing on a rawhide, and stuck my shoe in his floppy face.  Half expecting an answer, accusingly I asked “did you do this?”  He looked at me like he wasn’t sure what ‘this’ was, yet certain he didn’t do the ‘this’ in question.  His look said both ‘no’ and ‘you have no evidence pal’ at once, leaving me befuddled and feeling old because I was befuddled vice confused.

I was convinced Boo Boo was licking my shoes at night, so, that evening before bed I setup a sting operation.  “Why is there a dog biscuit in your shoe with a video recorder aimed at it?” my wife asked when coming to bed that evening.  I explained the situation.  She called me a moron and stated the biscuit would force the dog to touch the shoe not prove he did so in the past, then went to bed leaving me to come up with a “Plan B.”  I had no “Plan B”, so I gave Boo Boo the biscuit.  I believe he laughed at me.  Game on.

The next morning I found my shoes in their normal place but not in their normal position.  One was upright and another lying on its side.  Both were somewhat damp inside.  I wiped them out while sitting on the couch and staring at the hound, who sat in the chair across from me attempting to look innocent.  He eyed my shoes like a homeless man through a McDonald’s window.  This meant war.

That evening, I setup my Plan B.  I placed my shoes in the usual spot and placed the video recorder next to the shoes under a blanket.  I went to bed with dreams of video capture of the beast attacking my shoes… and woke up to enjoy video replay of the blanket “mysteriously” falling down over the lens.  I could hear the sounds of licking in the audio, faintly, but ever-present.  The beast must be stopped!

I could not stand the thought of him getting away with this, all smug and floppy eared.  When I came home from work that day, Boo Boo did not greet me at the door.  I made my way through the house, dropping off my coat and keys.  Still no Boo Boo.  After checking in with the kids about their day, I headed for the bedroom, still without seeing The Licker.  I rounded the corner into my bedroom… there he was, sitting.  He was sitting in the spot where I keep my shoes.  “You bastard!” I stammered.  He was taunting me.  He sauntered out of the room, all swag and happy, in a way that just screamed “I’ll be back for your shoes, biatch.”

Showdown this evening... Mono e Boo Boo

That evening I went stealth on his Basset behind and hid under a blanket with the camera facing the shoes.  I didn’t own any camouflage, so I painted those black stripes under my eyes like they do in movies with mud, only I used shoe polish.  Did you know it takes over and hour to get black shoe polish off your face?  Anyway… back to the story.  ‘Must stay awake,’ played like a record in my head… but the record skipped around 3am and I woke up the next morning in a pool of my own slobber… or had the bastard licked me AND the shoes!?

I checked the shoes.  Both were tipped and licked.  He seemed to have spent some extra time ensuring he hit the shoe laces.  Bad dog.  Very bad dog.

I sat my wife down over a cup of coffee, and we reviewed the tape together.  Though somewhat fuzzy, you could clearly see when The Licker entered the room.  He looked right at the camera, walked over, and could be seen licking my face first.  “Awe!” my wife said, “how cute!”  Traitor!  Then, he walked over and clearly began licking each shoe, the sicko, for what seemed like forever but elapsed to about 30 seconds per shoe.  Just enough to make an irritating little layer.

“Ha!” I yelled, turning and pointing at The Licker, who, asleep on the couch, seemed unimpressed, “busted!”  I then turned to my wife with the conquering hero look, as if to say, how cute is he now, huh?!  She looked at me, then the camera, and lastly the Boo Boo and simply stated, “put your shoes up instead of leaving them on the floor where the dog can lick them.”

Uh, duh.

We may be speaking again someday.


Leave a Comment
  1. seaholta / Feb 7 2012 7:27 pm

    This makes me miss my dog. She used to lick the floor. I’m sure it was where the kids dropped food, but by the time I got there in my bare feet, it was just wet.

    • mrtinney / Feb 7 2012 7:48 pm

      Sorry about your dog… thanks for stopping by. PS: My dog licks EVERYTHING that holds still.

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