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March 17, 2012 / themrtinney

Bring on the clowns… or… My what a big rear you have!

A major disadvantage of owning a large sedan is the number of clowns that could hide in your back seat.

I recently sold my small car, a Dodge Neon, which could hold, perhaps, two medium size clowns behind the driver seat… Three if they didn’t wear the oversized shoes.  My “new to me” Town Car can probably go as a four to five clown hide-out easily.  This is of concern.

For those of you who say, what difference does this make, I say to you:  All the difference in the world if clowns attack from your back seat.  Let’s face it, two clowns and a bottle of seltzer might be a fair fight but if you throw in an extra couple Bozos and a dozen balloons…  not a pretty picture.  We’re talking face paint and blood all over the place here.  Not good on the interior of any car.

Thankfully, I have key-less entry to click and light the interior so I can do my pre-clown inspection from a safe distance.

1.  Click key-less entry from 60 feet.

2.  Slowly sneak up on car… which undoubtedly holds several clowns crouched in the back seat.

3.  Realize I am moving too slowly and lights go out… re-click at 20 feet and pick up pace only after ensuring they aren’t fooling me and actually flanking my rear.

4.  Combat roll left, then right, creating confusion and difficult target for clowns (or squirrels).  Rub sore back and make mental note to purchase extra Doan’s.

5.  Visual inspection from safe distance of 2 feet… no clowns (this time), enter vehicle and lock doors.

6.  Panic accelerate at take-off to avoid possible clown ambush by heavy assault weaponry, leaving neighbors thinking I am a maniac for doing burn-outs in an old Town Car at 6am.

7.  Breath.  Another morning clown-free.

If you think this is strange behavior, please keep in mind I also believe squirrels are out to get me.  Sh*t!  What if they start working with the clowns?  I digress.  For the many out there who share my clown concern, here are the top three defenses when attacked by a clown:

1.  Aim for the throat.  Clown noses simply honk if punched and foot stomping has little effect on those oversized shoes.  I mean, come on!  Where are their feet really at in there?  No – a solid, sideways hand chop to the throat area will disable even the strongest clown.  If you hit a clown in the throat with a solid strike and he does not go down, proceed to Step 2, below.

2.  Throw bowling pins, oranges, or plates at them (set of three minimum).  You can’t get away with just one, so I keep a set of three in the car.  Note:  Bowling pins will break the plates when they roll off of the oranges so you must employ a tier system with a small shelf in the front seat.  Throwing one item at a clown does not result in juggling.  Throwing two items results in a one-handed juggle.  While this does slow the clown, he/she/it will still have one hand remaining free.  One hand =  Seltzer hand free.  Fail.

You must throw three items.  Once they begin juggling, an unavoidable response by any real clown, run.  Do not attempt to throat chop a juggling clown as you will most likely be impaled or, at a minimum, bruised by a bowling pin, orange, or plate.

3.  Run.  I have employed this method personally.  Although it confused small children at circuses and birthday parties, I at least felt safer regardless of their mocking laughter.

I have never understood how kids love clowns.  It confuses me.  Show me a kid who loves clowns and I’ll show you a child who has never seen a clown kill a family member.  Or, the clown killed a family member they didn’t particularly care for.  Have I ever seen a clown kill a family member, you might ask?  I didn’t actually see Ted Bundy kill, but… you get the idea. I submit the following as plausible evidence that clowns will choke you to death with a balloon animal and bury your body if given the opportunity.

Exhibit A:  The “Killer Clown”

John Wayne Gacy – 33 dead and either buried in a crawl space under his house or dumped in the river.  Facts:  Could fit in my back seat.  Just saying.

Exhibit B:  “Coulrophobia

If Wiki has it – it’s real.  If it’s real, people must feel this way for a reason.  Can you say “clown kills seven using a bowling pin and oversized shoe?”  Learn the phrase my friends – it’s only a matter of time.

Exhibit C: “The Knife”

Ghosts are already dead... but that Wizard is screwed about 5 seconds after this shot.

If this doesn’t get your attention about clowns, then I suppose nothing will… except one in the back-seat of your car.  So, when you approach your car on a dark morning or evening, ask yourself this question:  Is there a clown in my back-seat waiting to blind me with seltzer and strangle me with a poorly fabricated balloon giraffe?  Go for the throat my friend.


Leave a Comment
  1. clownonfire / Mar 17 2012 10:48 am

    Exhibit D: A Clown on Fire:

    • mrtinney / Mar 17 2012 11:28 am

      Thanks for the addition. Will check it out. Sent from my Droid Charge on Verizon 4G LTE

      • clownonfire / Mar 17 2012 11:48 am

        Move pass the not-so clownesque post of this morning…
        Big fan of your posts, but please don’t tell anyone.

  2. mrtinney / Mar 17 2012 3:48 pm


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