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July 10, 2017 / themrtinney

Date Night/Hangover Morning… or …Gentleman Jack is a dirty boy

 

I want to openly praise and simultaneously call out Gentleman Jack.  If you don’t know him, here’s a photo:

gentleman jack

Jack.  Looking all “who me? what?!”

Please note how very empty Jack is.  The amount that the bottle is empty is, by odd coincidence, the amount that I was full of this mellow whiskey.  I want to be clear that I in no way hold Jack Daniels personally or professionally responsible for a pounding headache that resembled an actual jack hammer being applied to my skull.  I’m talking the opening stanza of “Riverdance” performed in cleats directly on my brain here.  Did I mention I thought I was dying?

Now, I am a grown ass man who is personally responsible for how much he drinks in one sitting, or even one standing… though I try not to stand and drink after the first couple because I tend to fall over things and my wife gets all critical like “your standing on the dog’s head again!” and “who peed in the fucking closet!?!”

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem (I have plenty of people to do that for me).  I just drink until there’s nothing left because I’m  very thorough.  This can and may (does) result in some issues standing, walking, talking and not vomiting on people while trying to dance like Usher in that “No Limits” video (how does he bend that way?!)  Now – before you judge me, just know one thing:  I don’t give a shit what you think.

Also, I would like to soften the tone at this juncture by inserting a photo of Jack, before the ritual consumption began, with our mutual friend Frodo the five-pound Havanese dog.  This photo is provided as a reference point to show Jack’s relative size as well as make you go “awwwwww!” several times:

gentleman jack and guest

Dear God, that dog is angry cute.

I know what you are thinking:  “Why does that tiny dog look so angry?”  Well forget that – you’re distracting yourself from the real question here, which is:  “Why does Alec Baldwin get to host Saturday Night Live so many times?”

Back to our subject, I do want to point out that the Jack Daniels website has an actual page that invites you to “Become a Friend of Jack.”  I would like to offer a truce with Gentleman Jack in particular and suggest an edit to this page.  Perhaps one of these selections would help:

“Become a Frenemy of Jack”

“Become a Friend of Jack and buy stock in Ibuprofin”

“Become a Friend of Jack… sloooooowly dude”

At the open I stated I wanted to call Jack out, and I feel I’ve done that.  As I stated, I am solely responsible for consuming alcohol in questionable quantities such as “all of it.”  I should come with a disclaimer on my forehead so that the ABC stores in my area see me coming and politely refuse case quantities or, at least, remind me that tomorrow is more than just a Broadway tune Annie sings and will show up regardless of what time I go to bed after a date with Jack.

I also indicated I would praise Jack – and so I shall.  This is the smoothest whiskey I’ve enjoyed, and I’ve tried a few.  I highly recommend it.  Just don’t drink it all in one sittting/standing and if you do, remember the closet is left and the bathroom is right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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