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July 14, 2017 / themrtinney

Fidget much… or …jealousy is ugly on you

I have six hundred fidget spinners.  Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit here, but it’s safe to say that my family might be planning an intervention soon.

It started out much the same way I’m guessing a crack addiction might.  One little hit on the Mary Jane and six months later you have more tattoos than you do teeth and you only have three tattoos.  It begins with just one little “try” and grows into an empty bank account… not the fidget spinners, the drugs.  Well I’m not on drugs.  Well not right now. Well not.. anyway I got sidetracked, but the point of this post is the fidget spinners so you people need to stop distracting me with these side issues.

My first exposure to a fidget spinner was through one of my children.  They brought one home after an outing with their mother at Wal-Mart, a place where you can buy anything that has ever existed and still only spend .99 cents because the prices just keep falling continuously just like the commercials say.  Although, I’ve never actually seen that smiley emoji bopping around the store when I was there, so I’m beginning to doubt that’s real at this point.

So I try out this fidget spinner, and the first thing I notice is that it seems huge.  I’m spinning it by holding it between my pointing finger and my thumb, but I can barely get it around twice before it hits that web of flesh between the two fingers on the side of my hand that I believe is called skin webbing or should be called that if it’s not.  Or maybe it could be called duck skin because it looks like the webbing between the ducks toes on their feet.  Wait… do ducks have toes?  I’ve got to Google that.  I’ll be right back.

I’m back.  Holy shit, guys, ducks have toes!  So where was I?  Oh yeah.  Standard fidget spinners are too damn large for real men like me who have girl size hands but aren’t self-conscious about it at all. Much. Stop looking at them.

So I decided to see if there was such a thing as small fidget spinners and, behold, I found out that there are not only small fidget spinners, but mini fidget spinners.  The discovery of the mini fidget spinner on Amazon was the beginning of the “summer of fidget” that I have now embarked on.  Amazon, who I have come to realize is the actual god of my life right behind the demi-god of bulk – Costco, sent my mini fidget spinner via drone or something.  Spinner in hand, I quickly escalated my addiction level.  Actually, I went from “I tried it but didn’t inhale” level to “I will eat my own finger for your entertainment if you just let me lick that trace cocaine off your left nostril” level very quickly.

I started fidgeting with the mini at work sometimes, but soon found myself uncomfortable if I didn’t have it in my hand.  I started making excuses for my addiction, like when people would ask stupid questions like “why are you only typing with one hand – why don’t you just put that thing down?” I would say something like “I read a study that typing with one hand helps cure cancer in children… do you want children to die James?!!!?”

Then it really got ugly, as co-workers out of concern my addict mind mistook for jealousy, would suggest I was spending too much time fidgeting.  Although I never actually did it, I could easily see myself backing into a corner with my fidget spinner clutched tightly in my hand as I hissed at people Gollum style… which is not to be mistaken for Gangnam style because I don’t think dancing with a fidget spinner is as intimidating as hissing at people and calling it ‘my precious.’  Dancing with my fidget spinner could be a form of performance art, however, so I’m writing that down on my “Youtube Channel Ideas” list right now.

So anyhow… at this point, I have several fidget spinners on my desk at work and I rotate between them like an OCD toy addict ensuring each one gets equal time.  I’m sure this phase will pass at some point… or maybe I’ll just retreat into a cave somewhere with my fidget spinners.  I mean, hey, Gollum did live to be 589, so…

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