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July 19, 2017 / themrtinney

Diet logging… or… Rumsoakedchocolatecaketacobellburger

Diet Log – Day 1

Did pretty good today if you don’t count the Swiss Cake Rolls and the McDonalds run.  Could have been worse – I probably shouldn’t try to quit drinking alcohol Starbucks and fattening foods at the same time.  Even though I cheated, I did feel a little edgy… like when I told that customer “oh yeah!? well people in hell want ice water!”  It was a little strong in response to asking where the bathroom was.  Hopefully Day 2 will be better.

Diet Log – Day 2

A customer asked me to throw away their empty Starbuck’s mocha cup.  It’s in my drawer labeled “in case of emergency.”  I might have to smell it once in a while to help with the Starbuck’s withdrawal symptoms, which include headaches, a slightly bad mood and the desire to kill anyone I speak to.

Diet Log – Day 3

I thought by now I’d be use to the dieting thing, but instead I found myself licking the Starbuck’s cup in my drawer and hissing at a co-worker who suggested it was not a good idea.  I’m having daydreams of chocolate cake eagles flying me off into a buttery sunset with clouds made of Twinkie filling.  They keep dropping me because I’m eating their legs.  It’s ok though, because I fall into a small pond filled entirely with taco meat and safely eat my way out.

Diet Log – Day 4

I stole a co-workers Big Mac.  And fries.  And milk-shake.  While brandishing an envelope opener.  I have been banned from the break-room and ordered to stop dieting.  They just want me to be fat, so I have a secret plan not to fall into their trap.

Diet Log – Day 5

My secret plan failed.  My scheme was to buy swiss cake rolls, tacos and tater tots and keep them at my desk to provide the illusion I was off my diet to fool my captors… I mean co-workers.  Everything went perfectly up until the point at which I ended up in the bathroom vomiting one dozen tacos, three pounds of tater tots and nine swiss cake rolls. Note to self:  swiss cake rolls taste great in either direction!

Diet Log – Day 6

Noon log:  I’m back on track with my diet.  Today I’ve only had bottled water and a protein shake.  Feeling great!

PM log:  Just finished an entire Turkey and twelve beers.

Diet Log – Day 7

I quit!  Brought a dozen donuts in from Dunkin Donuts as a peace-offering to the staff.  One made it all the way to work… I split it with the guy I nearly shanked for the Big Mac.

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