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August 4, 2017 / themrtinney

What the Fall?… or … Is that a water bottle, or are you just glad to see me?

There are 2.5 million “Fall” leaves on my front lawn but it isn’t Fall yet, so I’m thoroughly confused.  Or maybe I’m bewildered.  The difference between those two have always confused me.  I think.

It’s kind of like that time I found a squirrel sitting on the hood of my car just staring at me like he belonged there and I was interrupting him chewing on the plastic water bottle he was clutching.  This was disconcerting in several ways, the first being there was a squirrel sitting on the hood of my car who had a severe attitude, one lazy eye and a look on his little squirrel face like “what you gonna’ do about it, bitch?!”

Second, he was eating a plastic bottle, which is really bad for anybody to eat, but I’m pretty sure this squirrel had eaten his share of plastic because he didn’t even pause while staring me down, which left me wondering if he crapped 3D art or something – I mean how would that come out exactly?

Third, it was disconcerting because no matter how close I got to the car, since I needed to get in the car to go to work, he didn’t move, so I was left with this vision of me driving down Jeff Davis highway with an angry, lazy-eyed squirrel chewing on a water bottle as a hood ornament.  Then again – that might fit in on the commute I have.

I’ve gotten distracted again, however, because we were talking about Fall leaves covering my yard without the common decency to realize its Summer and there are, literally, no Summer leaves or it wouldn’t be labeled “Fall” like it is.  I mean, come on, it isn’t like Summer goes around blasting 100 degree heat in early October with some attitude like “it’s not my season but, screw you, Fall, I can hang out in October.”

That would be tragic, because then Winter would probably be all jealous and send some snow in, let’s say, July.  Of course, that might screw with the squirrels and I can just see myself yelling “vengeance is mine!” as they all suddenly fall prey to the unexpected cold weather, unable to hold their water bottles and look snarky at people.  Which brings me back to the question of how a squirrel gets a lazy eye.  I mean, did he get poked with a water bottle in a gang related turf fight?

So the leaf thing is pretty much like the god of trees came down from tree god heaven and shook one of the trees in my front yard until it crapped the equivalent of two dump trucks of leaves (just a guesstimate) and I don’t know why.  I may never know why, I suppose, but I have seen some suspicious looking squirrels roaming the area and it just makes me wonder:  how hard can a squirrel shake a branch while holding a water bottle?

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