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August 6, 2017 / themrtinney

Oh, I see… or …Go Crocs!

I’m going out to get glasses today.  This is a major defeat for me and my weak-ass brain.

I am supposed to wear glasses -bifocals actually- but when my last pair were damaged in bizarre accident involving my ass and the car seat, I stopped.  I tried going back to an older pair, but they were ‘old’ like people walking by me on the street immediately thought a time machine had whisked them back to the era of bell-bottoms, psychedelic drugs and Elvis side-burns (thankya… thankya very much).

So I embarked instead on a different journey.  I decided that my prescription was slight enough, both far and near, that I would just not get glasses again.  Mind over matter so to speak.  I went to my eye doctor and asked him if I had to wear glasses.  I mean, really?  He was very helpful and clearly stated it was up to me if I wanted to see or not and billed me fifty bucks.  I thanked him and walked into the edge of the doorway on my way out of his office.  This was a sign of things to come, but I couldn’t see it.

That was about a year or more ago.  Vonnie has found this ever so entertaining.  She’s always encouraging me and my journey to be free of eyewear through sheer willpower.  Helpful comments include:

  • That’s just stupid.
  • Oh my God, you are so cheap.
  • That’s what you get. *walked into something.  again*
  • The TV is 48 inches and you are three feet away from it for God’s sake!

My not choosing to replace my glasses comes up in conversations often for reasons I don’t quite follow.  Conversations that always end in “for the love of sanity, why don’t you just get glasses?” have included:

Me: *takes exit off highway*

Von:  “Why are you taking this exit?”

Me: “Duh, if I don’t get off at the exit we need, we’ll just drive forever and end up in Florida.  You don’t want to go to Florida do you?  Heat, crocodiles…”

Von:  “Alligators.  It’s alligators.  No – I don’t want to go to Florida, but you just took the wrong exit.  Again.”

Me;  “Did I?  I’m pretty sure alligators have the teeth outside like a reptile kind of boar and crocs have them inside.  Florida is crocs.”

Von:  “Oh, you mean like that college football team the “Florida Crocs?”  The only Crocs you find in Florida are those ugly foot Crocs.  Find a place to turn around, you’ve already gone 10 miles in the exact wrong direction and you are daft to boot.”

Me:  “I’ll turn around, but I’m not conceding on the crocodile thing.”

Or this one:

Me:  *squinting hard*  “Isn’t that Jane over there by that drink machine?”

Von:  *giving me the look* “That’s a cardboard sign for Subway subs.”

Me:  “Are you sure? Oh well – let’s go get a Coke.”

Von:  “That’s not a drink machine.  It’s a Redbox.’

Me:  “Red, Blue whatever.  I’m good with Coke or Pepsi.”

So after thousands of wrong exits, hundreds of miss-sightings (like the Black Bear in our yard that turned out to be a wood pile or the parking lot pavement that turned out to be a huge curb and a $265.00 tire) I’m surrendering.  I’ll have to admit, it will be nice to see things better again but I just hate spending the money on something I’ll probably sit-on in the near future.  I think the first thing I’m going to do with my new glasses is look up Crocodiles vs Alligators.



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