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April 22, 2019 / themrtinney


robotI’ve been getting a ton of those robo calls/solicitor calls on my cell phone lately.  Man, are they fun.  If you thought I was going to say annoying… then you’re probably just doing it wrong. The way I figure it is, if they are going to take the time to call and bother me, I’m going to get something out of it.

Robo call:  Congratulations!  You qualify for affordable healthcare!  Press 1 for more information!

Me:  #1

Person:  Hello.  So I can quote you these low rates today, can I get your first and last name please?

Me:  Robert.

Person:  and that last name?

Me:  Caravanopolistinitis

Person:  Uh, ok, well… can you spell that last name for me sir?

Me:  Sure:  S-M-I-T-H.  The pronunciation is just really different.

Person: Ok Mr. Smith

Me:  It’s Caravanopolistinitis.  Don’t disrespect my heritage please.

Person: Oh – yes – I’m sorry sir.  That’s certainly an interesting name.

Me:  Yes.  I’m half Italian, half Swedish and half Druid

Person: Uh – ok – so let’s move on to your other information so I can complete your quote.  When were you born?

Me:  It was a cold and windy night…  the stars hung in the sky like a blanket of bulbs and the chill in the air could freeze your thoughts…

Person: Sir.  What DATE.  What date were you born on?

Me:  Oh.  My bad.  I thought you wanted the whole story.  I hadn’t even got to the cool part about arm-wrestling my twin in utero.  I was born September 20.

Person: Yes sir.  What year?

Me:  1901

Person: Ok.  So you said 1901?  Is that correct?

Me:  Did I stutter?  I went to high-school with Clark Gable, Walt Disney and Marlene Dietrich.  Boy was she a handful.  You should’ve seen what she could do with rope.

Person: Oh.  Well, but that would make you…

Me:  118.  Yup.  I was there for the crucifixion honey.  I only look about 108 though.  I work out.

Person: Ok.  Well sir, our guidelines don’t allow me to…

Me:  Oh.  Here it comes.  Discrimination!  Is this because I’m half Druid, because I get that all the time.

Person: No sir.  I don’t know what Druid is, but our guidelines…

Me:  Don’t know what a Druid is?  Geesh lady, you calling from under a rock?  Never seen Star Wars?

Person: Thank you for your time, Mr. Smith, but our guidelines don’t allow for a person of your age.

Me:  Caravanopolistinitis.  CARA-VAN-OPOLIS-TINITIS.  Ok.  I misspoke.  I’m only 117.  We good here.

Person: Good bye Mr. Carvenoplinitis.

Me:  Not bad.  You only missed one syllable.

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